‘The Franchise’ Episode 3: Giants GM Brian Sabean Calls His Players ‘Cockroaches’

But he did it with, you know, affection.

The third episode of “The Franchise” was largely centered around two things: Aubrey Huff and torture. There’s a disturbing joke in there.

Anyway, torture has become a marketing tool in San Francisco. The team now produces rally towels with the word “torture” printed on the front. Given their strong starting pitching, schizophrenic offense and Brian Wilson’s shaky season, the Giants never have a game where the result is a foregone conclusion before that 27th out. This episode delved into that aspect of the team and it came out with some great quotes.

Sabean: “Last year, if we were being the misfits, this year, we’re a bunch of cockroaches. You just can’t kill us off.”

Huff: ”It’s sorry to say we can score three runs, we’re banging it out pretty good that night. That’s pretty sad. It’s just the way it’s been, man. This team has taken 10 years off my life, I’m sure of it.”

Bruce Bochy, clearly exhausted after a game: “Games like this is why they make alcohol.”

Jerry Meals: Safety Inspector

This is one of those things that I would usually include in my “Electronic Mouth” posts, but it was just too good to leave until the weekend to share.

Umpire Jerry Meals has been the No. 1 talking point around baseball for the past 24 hours. Well, except for Ervin Santana’s no-hitter. And the Mariners snapping their 17-game losing streak (called it). And the Giants acquiring Carlos Beltran.  …

OK, he’s been among the top talking points in the sport. You knew someone would come along and blow his bad call from last night’s Pirates-Braves game out of proportion. Thankfully, Sports Pickle has done it in absolutely hilarious fashion.

Yes, it’s even funnier than Scott Proctor running/belly-flopping out of the batter’s box. Do yourself a favor and watch it here.

My favorite is curbside candy. Not sure why; it’s just strange enough to be funny. And I think the alliteration helps a little.

What isn’t funny at all are the apparent death threats Meals’ family has received in the day since he cost the Pirates a win. As much as I hate to say it, that kind of stuff was inevitable. It happened to Jim Joyce. It happened to Don Denkinger. The impact from their bad calls was bigger than Meals’ situation, but it doesn’t matter; sometimes, sports fans can take it way, way, way, way, way too seriously and act like utter idiots.

So I Hear That We’re Back To Football. That’s Not A Good Thing For Me

No, football’s great. Really, it’s fantastic to have it back. I like writing about it, too. But yesterday — and pretty much looking ahead to all of this week — I was focused on nothing but football as I wrote fantasy football notes for a website. So, I missed the large majority of this gold:

– C.C. Sabathia retired the first 19 Seattle Mariners he faced, striking out 12 of them. Sabathia, David Robertson and Mariano Rivera tied the Yankees’ franchise record with 18 strikeouts in a nine-inning game. Ron Guidry struck out 18 in a game versus the Angels in 1978. My dad may or may not have been there. I don’t know when to trust him.

– Because of Sabathia’s dominance, the Mariners experienced their 17th consecutive loss. We are really getting into the thick of history here, people. But I think the streak ends TODAY! Why? Basically because Felix Hernandez owwwwwwwns the Yankees. He has a 2.98 ERA in nine career starts against them. Seattle has won Felix’s last five starts against the Yankees, and he has allowed six combined runs in those starts, four of which came in one game.

Plus, what do I have to lose by making such a guarantee? Another game? Psssh.

Pirates and Braves. Almost 7 Hours. 19 Innings. And An Ending That Only A Blind Man Could Love

I was all set to go to bed pissed off.

I wasn’t planning on staying up for the end of tonight’s Pirates-Braves game, a game that obviously called out for me to say something about it. That’s because I got up at 4:45 a.m. today for no apparent reason and spent all day writing fantasy football news updates. It was a crazy day in the NFL, but it caused me to miss an equally amazing day in baseball. And I didn’t like it one bit.

I was about to go to bed and wake up extra early tomorrow to voice my displeasure, tongue in cheek, about how the lack of an NFL lockout has ruined baseball for me. And I still might — again, there were a lot of great games tonight.

But Pirates versus Braves. I couldn’t sleep on this one. The good stuff that everyone will be talking about ad nauseam is below. But where to start?

Is Homer Simpson Coaching The Baltimore Ravens?

We’re about 11 hours into this brave new world where the NFL isn’t all about lawyers and lawsuits and mediators and collective bargaining. It’s a good time.

We’re about 63 hours from when teams can start officially cutting players. But that’s apparently not stopping the Baltimore Ravens from getting to “the easiest part of any coach’s job” a little early.

Kelly Gregg? You’re cut.

Willis McGahee? Cut.

Todd Heap? Cut.

Derrick Mason? I like your hustle.

That’s why it was so hard to cut you.

Namath? You stay.

And in a nice story if it is true — Herzlich? You’re good. (Update: He ended up signing with the New York Giants.)

Yes, Virginia, There Is An NFL Season

I’m sure you have been exposed today to articles that describe the recently extinct NFL lockout in hyperbolic terms, as if the media just survived the Black Death. I got an e-mail today with a story about the lockout from a former college professor of mine. The first line is: “Today was Day 129 of America Held Hostage.”

Yeah, what had become of the NFL over the past four-plus months sucked. I can’t put it more eloquently. It sucked, it bit, it blew.

But all I have is three words for ya: Are you ready?

No, I don’t mean that in the honky-tonk Hank Williams style. More like D-Generation X:

Are you rrrrrrrrrrrrready?!

Are you ready for actually meaningful fantasy football drafts?

Are you ready for the most hyperactive week in NFL history?

Are you ready to no longer care that Susan Nelson, David Doty, Jeff Pash, Bob Batterman, Jeff Kessler and Arthur Boylan actually exist?

Are you ready for an alarming amount of muscle pulls, strains, tweaks and sprains after some of the world’s greatest athletes aren’t even close to being in condition to do their job, which will really matter 48 days from now?

Running Off At The Electronic Mouth, No. XXI

I swear that I will not mention anything to do with the NFL lockout by name in this random-issues post.

Except for right there. But from now on …

• Washington Nationals fans have hated on Jayson Werth all season for the lack of return he has provided their team after it gave him $126 million this past offseason. Werth has six hits in his last 15 at-bats, and Nationals fans probably hate him even more because he’s screwing with their beer prices.

So, if you’re at Duffy’s this afternoon and watching Werth and the Nats play the Dodgers, don’t be too quick to order another round of Bud or PBR; wait a few minutes and see if the price will go down from $2.19 to $2.18 as Werth grounds out to third. Maybe some other people in the D.C. area will wrap up business early in order to take advantage of this really cool promotion.

Now, all Chicago needs to do to up those disappointing beer sales is implement an Adam Dunn happy hour. That would be a crazy steal, even if we’re dealing with those same few crappy beers.

In Episode 2 of ‘The Franchise,’ We Get Even More Brian Wilson

Not that such a thing is bad. The camera knows when it sees a gold.

Since the episode centered around the All-Star Game, there wasn’t much baseball insight of which to speak. Instead, stories on some of the Giants’ All-Star representatives (Wilson, Ryan Vogelsong, Pablo Sandoval) filled the episode.

As usual, no one got more screen time that Wilson. There was a five-minute appetizer at the open followed by a 10-minute main course to close it out. Wilson talks about his unique fashion sense and the possibility of being overexposed to go along with a couple handfuls of classic quotes. It’s truly difficult to single one out, but my favorite Wilson line of the episode was his realization of a fault with his ESPYs outfit, which he said was inspired by Adonis:

“You know what I didn’t think through? Taking a piss.”

Wilson says this right in front of Colin Cowherd, who looks absolutely terrified.

But while Wilson is considered to be either misunderstood or one [G]iant act, he says something very real that’s easy to understand:

“I’m a pro baseball player in my 20s. I’m not just going to walk around monotone like a robot then wake up, I’m 35, the game’s over, and I’ve had zero fun.”

The meaning of fun is subjective. Some people — AHEM! — consider opening a box of baseball cards fun. Wilson is just living by his definition, no matter how it looks to anyone else. You’ve got to respect that.

Stephen Drew’s Ankle Turns 180 Degrees

I’m always one for a hearty injury. It’s like a good horror film — you hate the buildup, but love the scare.

Joe Theismann breaking his leg at multiple spots? Willis McGahee’s knee going backwards? Jason Kendall stepping on a base wrong and paying the price? A University of Houston wide receiver running into some ill-placed carts behind an end zone? I’m not going to link to any of them; you can go find them on your own.

You do have to feel bad for the unfortunate athlete. His season and possibly his life is changed forever. But you may also understand that the moment holds some entertainment value to some.

The list probably just grew by one. The victim is Arizona Diamondbacks shortstop Stephen Drew. He suffered a major ankle injury as he slid into home during the fourth inning of tonight’s game versus the Milwaukee Brewers.

It’s not as horrific as what happened to Theismann or McGahee, but it’s probably not worth the watch if you’re squeamish. If you are, I’ll describe it below as best as I can.

If this kind of stuff doesn’t bother you much, feel free to jump to the link here.

The San Diego Padres Score 13 Runs In 2 Innings. Yes, The San Diego Padres

The San Diego Padres aren’t very good at hitting. Granted, there’s not much to work with, but only the hapless Mariners have fewer runs and hits this season (Seattle scored six runs tonight, which should be considered an explosion in itself).

Expectations were probably not very high or even moderate tonight as the Padres were going up against Ricky Nolasco, who had allowed just two earned runs in his previous four starts. He went the distance in two of those starts.

But every once in a blue moon … blind squirrel, acorn, you know how it goes.

The Padres scored 13 runs on 14 hits in the first two innings against the Marlins. By the end of the second inning, six of the nine San Diego starters had two hits. Ryan Ludwick, who entered the game 1-for-9 with in his career against Nolasco, picked up four RBIs on a single and a double. Jason Bartlett earned his first RBI in 15 games. Alberto Gonzalez, with his .214/.261/.279 line, recorded hits in his first couple of at-bats, contributing his first double since June 25 and first RBI in 26 at-bats. Even pitcher Aaron Harang got into the act with an RBI single and a run.

All of that and much more came before the third inning was a reality.

Of course, Nolasco didn’t last to see it. He recorded just four outs making this his shortest appearance as a major-league starter. He allowed nine runs, nine hits, two walks and had three strikeouts. Add it all up and you’ll see that Nolasco’s game score is one. Only four starters this season have posted lower scores.

But this is really about the Padres, a team that had scored 13 runs in an entire game just once since the start of July 2010. They scored 13 runs in a game against the Brewers on May 11. Since, the Padres have entered double digits just twice.

Thirteen runs in two innings is pretty impressive. Back in 1993 and 1994, the Padres had a game in which they put up 13 runs in a single inning.

The game is in the top of the ninth right now with the Padres leading, 14-3. I’ll keep tabs on it, but I refuse to listen to it because the DirecTV MLB Game Mix is carrying the Marlins feed of the game. Per usual, Rich Waltz and Tommy Hutton are making that game as enjoyable as a dirty diaper.

Texas Rangers Will Indeed Raise The Railings In Front Of All Seating Areas

Well, you knew this was coming.

The Texas Rangers had no choice. They needed to do something to show their fans and the rest of the baseball world that they will be proactive. People wanted to see something, anything happen. If nothing had changed in the wake of Shannon Stone’s death, many would have just said that the franchise is waiting for another tragedy to occur.

That doesn’t mean that something had to be done, because really, it didn’t. As I said on the night that the story broke, the Rangers Ballpark in Arlington is safe. Specifically, the railings in front of seating areas exceed the standard height. In the photo, you can see that the railing comes right up to Shannon Stone’s waist.

Fault lies with the fan. I know that sounds rough less than two weeks after the fact, and again, Stone’s death has left a family forever fractured and a 6-year-old boy without a father. It’s a horrible event. But let’s not sugarcoat this. A fan leaned WAY too far out over the railing to catch a baseball and paid an unfortunate price. There was nothing the Rangers could have done beforehand. Their safety precautions weren’t up for debate until a patron did something that no ballpark in the league is required to build against.

But in the name of public relations, changes are coming the ballpark. What kind of changes?

“As the rails are being refitted, the Rangers said they would take ‘interim’ steps, such as posting new signs that will remind fans not to lean, sit on or stand against the rails. The team will also issue a warning prior to the start of each game via its public address system, the Rangers said.”

How inventive! I’ve seen those in only about 28 other MLB ballparks. But I shouldn’t pick on the team because you couldn’t have expected much more. The Rangers did not say if they will build their railings high enough now to cover everything that fans do to reach baseballs. Of course, that’s a losing battle because fans seem to always find a way to circumvent stadium security measures. There’s no foolproof plan to guard against foolishness. However, the Rangers will give theirs a shot.

I can’t wait until a paying customer lodges the first complaint at the stadium, saying that the railing is obstructing their view in the first row of the upper deck.

Andrew Bynum Parks In A Handicap Spot. Yeah, It Pisses Me Off

I’ve timed it.

It takes me about 90 seconds to get into and out of my car. Most of that time is spent breaking down and putting together my wheelchair, which I must use every time I “step” outside my apartment.

Yet, unlike most people, I don’t really care where I park. I have the right to park in those blue spaces covered by the stick figure with the gigantic ass, but it doesn’t bother me if one isn’t available. Hell, I don’t really care if I have to park at the very end of a shopping center parking lot. What’s the difference between there and the front — 100 feet? That’s like an extra 12 seconds out of my life. I think I’ll find a way to get over it.

So, no, I’m not a real stickler for my designated parking spaces. Until I see something like this:

Red Sox And Rays Play The Most Painful Baseball Game Of The Year

Like Red Sox-Rays, it would not end and makes you fall into a coma

You may live and breathe football, but even something like this has to make you feel a little dead inside.

Basketball might your passion, but you might have to re-think your priorities after watching something like this.

I consider myself a die-hard baseball fan. But on Sunday night, Red Sox versus Rays — whoa, baby. That one is going to leave a mark.

There have been games this season that lasted longer in terms of both innings and minutes, but even Adam Dunn hasn’t been as excruciating to watch this season.

Sixteen innings and 344 minutes. One run. Eight combined hits. Someone do me a favor and gauge my eyes out!

Seriously, when’s the last time you saw a box score so long yet so clean?

Major League Baseball Saw Something Saturday That Should Happen More Often But It Won’t, And It’s Easy To Understand Why**

A classic doubleheader! 

Not one of your phony, weather-produced, day-night doubleheaders. This is one ticket getting you about six hours of baseball. You watch a game and then stick around for about 40 minutes because another one is coming down the pike. Pace your drinking or else you’ll be tapping out during the second third inning. The true essence of Ernie Banks’ classic “Let’s play two” adage.

Running Blog Of The 2011 Women’s World Cup Final — United States vs. Japan

Hello. I love you

Today’s the day. Today, our United States women’s soccer team can become world champions, clinching their first World Cup since 1999 and becoming the first nation to win three. It is a story that has captivated all of us.

By tomorrow, all of us will probably start to forget it. But hey, in this moment, we are all one.

OK, so I’m not a fan of soccer, and I am just selfishly projecting my beliefs onto everyone else. I can’t help it. Watching soccer for me is watching “Tree of Life.” Nothing happens for about an hour and you’re really not sure why you’re spending your time on this. Then, something of actual consequence takes place, giving you hope. But at the end, those few random moments of excitement are situated inside a letdown.

But everyone around you seems to love it. I guess I don’t get it, and I’m fine with that.

So if you’re looking for a live blog about this country’s most important soccer game in at least a decade written by someone who doesn’t really give a damn about the sport, you have reached your destination. Welcome, friends.

Plus, you never know what could happen. Maybe this final will come down to a shootout and someone will showcase their sports bra. Or maybe, in the moments after victory, overwhelmed by triumphant euphoria, Hope Solo and Alex Morgan will share an intimate moment. A nation watches.

10:55 a.m. U.S.A versus Japan on German soil. Maybe I have been looking hard enough, but I’m sure someone out there is capitalizing on this confluence with some really good World War II jokes.

10:58 a.m. Of course I’m picking the United States to win. Japan may be faster, but our ladies are bigger and stronger and more athletic. Plus, we’ve got the better keeper on our side. I’m never going to doubt Solo. Just look into her eyes and you’re under her spell.

But in case you want another opinion, how about an elephant’s?

Of course the German elephant picked Japan. Whatever, you stupid, clumsy animal. You’re fat and you’ve got big ears! Yeah, yeah, go eat some peanuts, Dumbo! The only reason anyone’s asking you for your thoughts is because that beloved octopus is dead. You’ll never be half of the soccer psychic that Paul was. He is the true king.

11:00 a.m. So, Amy Rodriguez has started every match in this World Cup, but she will not start tonight. Megan Rapinoe will start in her place. Lauren Cheney will start and move from midfield to forward. What does that mean? I don’t know! I don’t know who these folks are! Draw your own conclusions! All I know about Rapinoe is that she orchestrated what may go down as the most memorable pass in U.S. women’s World Cup history.

All I know about Cheney is that her boyfriend is Jrue Holliday. So there’s that.

11:12 a.m. We’ve still got 32 minutes until the match starts. Starting this blog a few minutes before 11 a.m. was a clear miscalculation on my part.

Running Off At The Electronic Mouth, No. XX

Roger Clemens received his 355th career win thanks to an opponent's error

• I may have been in the minority, but I supported the efforts of federal prosecutors going after Roger Clemens for lying to Congress. It wasn’t the best way to spend our government’s time and resources, but anyone suspected of perjury, be they a public or a private figure, should be tried to the fullest extent of the law.

But after the non-conviction conviction that prosecutors got in their flimsy case against Barry Bonds and the ridiculous boner committed by prosecutors on just the second day of Clemens’ trial, maybe we should just forget about trying athletes for federal crimes. We already showcase most athletes as better than the common man and think are above the law. Let’s just keep it that way. It’s easier.

• An area where we apparently don’t think athletes can match up with us commoners is writing. Nobody is expecting to read something of Randian size when an athlete issues a statement, but are we really at the point where 570 words qualifies as “lengthy“? They’re not third-graders.

By the way, considering James Harrison’s comments, Rashard Mendenhall’s tweets and Hines Ward’s DUI, it’s a little strange that we’re about to complete a full NFL offseason, and Ben Roethlisberger doesn’t even rank in the the top three among Pittsburgh Steelers summer distractions.

Wily Mo Pena Brings His Own Definition To The Word ‘Slugger’

No, he didn’t punch anyone.

Remember that home run that Wily Mo Pena hit this season? And the other home run he hit?

Oh, oh … what about this one? That was hit 453 feet. Yep, bash long dingers is pretty much all Wily Mo Pena has accomplished this season. Of course, that’s one of the reasons why he is being designated for assignment. He had just nine hits in 46 at-bats with Arizona. Five of those hits went out of the park. He didn’t walk (zero times, to be exact) and struck out a lot (19 times, to be exact).

But hey, that’s what Wily Mo does. He has a career strikeout-to-walk ratio that is greater than 5:1. His career batting line is .251/.304/.449.

But because of that free-swinging, ball-launching, no-patience approach at the plate, this 2011 season has been a special one of sorts for Pena because it has given us this freaky line:

.196/.196/.522

Allowing 8 Runs In Less Than 1 Inning Pitched As A Starter

It actually happens a little more often than I thought. And it happened again tonight.

Yankees fans were welcomed back to baseball with an eight-run first inning by the Toronto Blue Jays. Bartolo Colon was forced to leave after recording just two outs and giving up six hits, two walks and eight runs. However, only three of them were earned due to an error by Eduardo Nunez, who is playing third base in place of Alex Rodriguez. He just got handcuffed on a chopper right next to the third-base bag and never really got a glove on the ball.

The Blue Jays then hit a couple of 40-foot RBI singles, followed by a loud ground-rule double from Eric Thames, and Colon’s night was done. Another run came in a minute later thanks to a balk from Luis Ayala. Also, it looked like Colon aggravated his hamstring while covering first base earlier in the inning. So, it was just a frustrating inning for the Yankees at all stops.

But after about 170 words, that’s not the point of this post.

Review Of ‘The Franchise: A Season With The San Francisco Giants’

One of the major bummers from this NFL lockout is the impact it’s had on the HBO series Hard Knocks. Specifically, the lockout and a modified training camp schedule may cancel the show for 2011. And regardless of how people want different points of view every year, HBO could cover the Jets or the Cowboys or the Lions or the Browns every year, and I would still be a huge fan. It’s just compelling as all get out.

However, instead of HBO and football, Showtime and baseball are here for six weeks to fill the void in your heart that requires documentary-style, behind-the-scenes footage from a sports franchise with a program obviously titled “The Franchise: A Season with the San Francisco Giants.”

A preview episode aired a few months ago, which I missed, but I have been looking forward to the premiere for a while now. After the hour was over last night, I had one word to describe my feelings on the debut episode:

Meh.

The Last Word On The Women’s World Cup — USA Versus Brazil

My brother came into town this weekend. He lives in upstate New York, where the nearest “big” city is Syracuse. I live in Long Beach, Calif. It’s a bit of a difference.

Anyway, I hadn’t seen him in about two years, and he hadn’t made it down to our neck of the woods in about a decade, so my sports radar was a bit disrupted over the past few days. But I must say something about what happened this weekend regarding the almighty soccer

I actually got to watch the women’s World Cup match versus Brazil Sunday morning and let me just say: Wow, that was by far the best soccer match I have ever seen. And that’s really saying something because I have watched somewhere around four soccer matches in my life.