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Archive for July, 2010

A Really Creepy Clippers Coincidence

Lorenzen Wright was the seventh pick of the 1996 NBA Draft. Eddie Griffin was drafted at that same spot five years later. Unfortunately, both players have another commonality: They died way, way too young.

When I heard about Wright’s tragic end on Wednesday, I texted a friend to say: “Admit right now that Lorenzen Wright and Eddie Griffin are balling it up right now.” That response may seem insensitive, but I like to keep everything lighthearted, almost to a fault. I like to find comedy in things that others would reject as remotely funny. When I die, I think it would be great if no one honored or reminisced about me. Just turn it into a roast and tell my carcass how much of a bastard I was.

Anyway, that friend shot me back a message that I couldn’t believe. It’s unbelievably sad, strange and karmic in a very twisted, sadistic way.

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Who Is Next After Matt Garza?

Baseball, or at least how I perceive it, is full of indifference these days. While Alex Rodriguez takes his sweet time in reaching a milestone that no one seems to care about, Matt Garza accomplished a feat Monday night with which we are all getting too cozy.

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Arizona Diamondbacks Find Their ‘A-Plus’ Package For Dan Haren: An Overrated Starter And A Few Mid-Class Prospects. Wait, What?!

Here are some comments from the Diamondbacks’ CEO just a few days ago on trading Dan Haren:

“It would need to be, in our opinion, an A-plus deal. I think ideally what we would ask for is Major League-ready pitching, be it starters and/or bullpen and prospects.”

“If it appears to be a cash dump, it’s not a good message, which is not what we’re looking to do.”

“If we can get three or four pieces that can bring value now and are also controllable for a number of years, then we’d have to consider it.”

The Diamondbacks got their four pieces Sunday night, but apparently forgot that first part about needing an A-plus standard. Arizona traded Haren to the Los Angeles Angels for Joe Saunders and minor league pitchers Rafael Rodriguez, Tyler Skaggs and Patrick Corbin.

Skaggs is a top-10 prospect in the organization, according to Baseball America, but he’s just 19 and needs lots of time to develop. Otherwise, it looks like Arizona dealt away a high above-average starting pitcher for a crop of mundane.

Joe Saunders won 33 games over the past two seasons combined, but with his poor strikeout-to-walk rate, those types of seasons are more like outliers than his norm. Don’t forget that Saunders received 6.5 runs of support per outing last year. That’ll help you inflate a deceiving win count.

(I love how the writer in that “Arizona traded Haren” link above says that Saunders is “one of baseball’s better young left-handers, going 33-14 in 2008 and 2009 and 6-10 with a 4.62 ERA this season.” Because nothing says “baseball’s best” like a 4.62 ERA and a 1.49 WHIP).

Plus, Saunders’ fly ball tendencies aren’t going to work well at that launching pad in the desert.

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“This Contest Is Over! Give [Carl Crawford] The $10,000!”

July 22, 2010 2 comments

“Carl Crawford left game in first inning after getting hit with ball on pickoff throw.”

I saw that Tuesday on the ESPN BottomLine. And I laughed.

I had high expectations. Then I saw this.

With my expectations nicely met, I fell to the floor, full of giddy.

And then immediately thought of this.

Seriously, is there anything more comical than seeing a man get hit in the groin with a ball? When people disagree with you, you get angry. When you spend days in a sensory deprivation chamber, you get depressed. When a man’s balls have a forceful introduction with a related yet foreign intruder, you get the giggles.

Well, not before crunching up your entire face and start rubbing yourself in the damaged area. When one man gets hit in the privates, we all feel it.

What tremendous precision by Jake Arrieta! It was probably his best job locating a throw all night. He gave up five runs and four walks in 5.1 innings. He also threw a wild pitch, but he was right on the money to Crawford’s junk from about 60 feet away. In that sense, I agree with Crawford’s continued refusal to wear a protective cup. It might limit his agility and what are the odds that something like this happens again? And let’s face it: If this does happen again, Crawford will probably be forced out of the majors and have to join the National Fastpitch Softball Association.

But I don’t agree with this statement from Carl: “He couldn’t have hit it in a better spot.”

Better spots to get hit with a regulation baseball than your penis include:

Your left temple.

Your right temple.

Your jugular.

Through a couple of ribs and into your heart.

Crawford is now day-to-day with a (gulp) “testicular contusion.” Oh, that must feel lovely.

The Best Opinion On The LeBron-athon Comes From A Shirt

It’s the best because I wholeheartedly agree with it.

As someone who is not a fan of the Clippers, Cavs, Bulls, Heat, Nets or Knicks, this just about sums up my feelings on the main topic of NBA free agency.

You’ve got to love how a simple piece of cotton can say so much. Also, if you look at the “Additional views” still, it’s nice to see Mark Sanchez getting some modeling work.

Now, if excuse me, I’ve got to go design my “I ❤ Steve Blake!” polos.

Ooooh, there's LeBron, there's LeBron! What's he thinking?? Look at his driver! It looks like he is mouthing the "I" sound in Knicks. It must be a clue. WAIT! LeBron's right arm is in the shape of an "L". Or -- OR! -- a backwards "J". He must be speaking to us. (GASP) THE UTAH JAZZ ARE BACK IN PLAY!! EVERYBODY PANIC!!!

Another Up-And-Down Night For Baseball’s Men In Blue

July 2, 2010 1 comment

A laughably bad call took place in the majors Thursday night. It didn’t steal away a perfect game or prove to be the difference between a win or a loss. More surprisingly, it didn’t screw over the Detroit Tigers. That’s progress, kids!

No, this bad call took place in Minnesota and actually victimized the team the Tigers are chasing in the standings, the Twins.

Here’s the situation: The game is tied 4-4 in the top of the tenth. Willy Aybar at the plate with none out. There are runners at first and second, but just remember that Kelly Shoppach is at first, Michael Cuddyer is playing third base, and third base ump Alfonso Marquez, is about to make himself a lot more popular on Google.

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