Home > Uncategorized > The Dolphins Come Crawling Back To Tony Sparano

The Dolphins Come Crawling Back To Tony Sparano

This weekend’s games were entertaining for the most part. Saints-Seahawks was like a day at the amusement park. The first half of Jets-Colts was like the car ride home from said amusement park before a thrilling finish (I would like the record to show that I thought of “Folk Hero” before that game-winning kick. Although, I’m guessing two million other people did, too. Whatever).

On Sunday, Ravens-Chiefs turned into a second-half demolition. While Packers-Eagles didn’t quite live up to the hype, the Packers showed they are the more complete team in a closely contested game.

But the other event from this past weekend that drove me back to this blog was a press conference, fit with a pathetic and hilarious mia culpa.

Early last week, we all heard about how close the Miami Dolphins were to naming Jim Harbaugh their next head coach. One problem: They hadn’t let go of their current one. Despite the fact that Tony Sparano was still working under that title, team owner Stephen Ross flew across the country to woo Harbaugh to fill a position that was already filled.

A couple of days later, the Dolphins extended Sparano’s contract through 2013.

“OH BOY! I CAN’T WAIT FOR THAT PRESS CONFERENCE!” is what I said to myself upon hearing the news. I’m alone for most of the day, so I’ve got a lot of time to speak to myself.

How would the Dolphins’ brass explain their way out of such an awkward corner? How could the owner and general manager Jeff Ireland truthfully commit to a coach whom they had discarded in their minds just a few days prior? I didn’t think they could successfully, and they didn’t disappoint.

“We did our due diligence in an effort to improve this organization,” Ireland said while reading a statement during Saturday’s presser. “In the beginning and the end of all this, I believe Tony Sparano is the right coach for this team. I’ve always felt that. That has never changed.”

One night, you go out to that hot club downtown with your girlfriend of three years. You spot some sexy chick in the corner and secretly sneak away with hopes of falling in love all over again. Things are going well, you buy her some drinks, the conversation is entertaining, the music gives a great background, you think this could be “the one.” Meanwhile, you see your girlfriend hasn’t noticed that you are putting the moves on who you hope will be her replacement.

All of a sudden, some guy straight out of GQ up to your target and simply says, “Yo, wanna see my yacht?”

Game over.

So now, desperate for a female’s approval, you walk back over to the girl you came with and exclaim, “Baby, I have always loved you.”

I’m pretty sure you can tell who plays the part of the old girlfriend in Miami.

As the Dolphins' owner issues some cheap apologies, Tony Sparano puts on his best at-least-have-the-decency-to-look-in-to-my-eyes-while-you-screw-me face

“I should have probably let Tony know (about the meeting with Harbaugh),” Ross said. “I never thought it would be national news.”

It’s probably a good thing Ross didn’t let Tony know about the meeting, because he would probably be without a head coach today if he did. What NFL head coach with a grain of dignity wouldn’t quit after hearing something like this:

“Hey, Tony, it’s Stephen. I know there’s a lot of speculation about your future here, but understand that I fully believe in you as our head coach. I also wanted to let you know that I’m going to fly to California tomorrow to interview Jim Harbaugh for your job. But I still believe in you, OK?”

Then, that’s an incredibly naive second sentence from Ross. Granted, he doesn’t have a sports background, but he has been the majority owner of the Dolphins for about two years. You figure he would learn the ways of the 24-hour sports news cycle and how important any rumor regarding a head coach is to NFL reporters. Apparently not.

Ross continued to feverishly dig a hole to nowhere …

“I mean, I got to tell you, I’m learning a new world that’s out there with people sending out information that isn’t true and trying to create a story.”

WHAT?!?!

You’re telling me that the media will actually create a story out of a non-story?? HOW DARE THEY?!

“Now, I would go about it a different way,” Ross said.

Translation: “I would give Harbaugh even more money and force him to coach here. Then this presser wouldn’t be so uncomfortable. But hey, how you doing over there, Tony? You good? You know I love you, right?”

“You don’t just make change for the sake of change,” Ross said.

Well, unless the Dolphins lose four of their final six games for a third consecutive season under Sparano next year. Then this extension won’t mean anything and a change will be made. Unfortunately for Ross, I don’t think San Francisco will make Harbaugh available.

Ross certainly wishes he was, however. How else can you interpret Ross’ advice for Harbaugh when he asked him last week if he should go to the pros:

“I recommended, ‘Go back to Stanford and hitch yourself to [Andrew Luck],’ Ross said. ‘You’ve got the best quarterback. You can win the national championship. The pros will be there.'”

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  1. Ruzzo
    January 16, 2011 at 1:21 am

    I was so scared you had given up on this blog just like I’ve given up on this organization. I missed you and your sweet words 😉

  2. January 22, 2011 at 8:33 pm

    Thank you, sweet prince.

    I did stop, but will never quit.

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