Archive for July, 2011

‘The Franchise’ Episode 3: Giants GM Brian Sabean Calls His Players ‘Cockroaches’

But he did it with, you know, affection.

The third episode of “The Franchise” was largely centered around two things: Aubrey Huff and torture. There’s a disturbing joke in there.

Anyway, torture has become a marketing tool in San Francisco. The team now produces rally towels with the word “torture” printed on the front. Given their strong starting pitching, schizophrenic offense and Brian Wilson’s shaky season, the Giants never have a game where the result is a foregone conclusion before that 27th out. This episode delved into that aspect of the team and it came out with some great quotes.

Sabean: “Last year, if we were being the misfits, this year, we’re a bunch of cockroaches. You just can’t kill us off.”

Huff: “It’s sorry to say we can score three runs, we’re banging it out pretty good that night. That’s pretty sad. It’s just the way it’s been, man. This team has taken 10 years off my life, I’m sure of it.”

Bruce Bochy, clearly exhausted after a game: “Games like this is why they make alcohol.”

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Jerry Meals: Safety Inspector

This is one of those things that I would usually include in my “Electronic Mouth” posts, but it was just too good to leave until the weekend to share.

Umpire Jerry Meals has been the No. 1 talking point around baseball for the past 24 hours. Well, except for Ervin Santana’s no-hitter. And the Mariners snapping their 17-game losing streak (called it). And the Giants acquiring Carlos Beltran.  …

OK, he’s been among the top talking points in the sport. You knew someone would come along and blow his bad call from last night’s Pirates-Braves game out of proportion. Thankfully, Sports Pickle has done it in absolutely hilarious fashion.

Yes, it’s even funnier than Scott Proctor running/belly-flopping out of the batter’s box. Do yourself a favor and watch it here.

My favorite is curbside candy. Not sure why; it’s just strange enough to be funny. And I think the alliteration helps a little.

What isn’t funny at all are the apparent death threats Meals’ family has received in the day since he cost the Pirates a win. As much as I hate to say it, that kind of stuff was inevitable. It happened to Jim Joyce. It happened to Don Denkinger. The impact from their bad calls was bigger than Meals’ situation, but it doesn’t matter; sometimes, sports fans can take it way, way, way, way, way too seriously and act like utter idiots.

So I Hear That We’re Back To Football. That’s Not A Good Thing For Me

No, football’s great. Really, it’s fantastic to have it back. I like writing about it, too. But yesterday — and pretty much looking ahead to all of this week — I was focused on nothing but football as I wrote fantasy football notes for a website. So, I missed the large majority of this gold:

— C.C. Sabathia retired the first 19 Seattle Mariners he faced, striking out 12 of them. Sabathia, David Robertson and Mariano Rivera tied the Yankees’ franchise record with 18 strikeouts in a nine-inning game. Ron Guidry struck out 18 in a game versus the Angels in 1978. My dad may or may not have been there. I don’t know when to trust him.

— Because of Sabathia’s dominance, the Mariners experienced their 17th consecutive loss. We are really getting into the thick of history here, people. But I think the streak ends TODAY! Why? Basically because Felix Hernandez owwwwwwwns the Yankees. He has a 2.98 ERA in nine career starts against them. Seattle has won Felix’s last five starts against the Yankees, and he has allowed six combined runs in those starts, four of which came in one game.

Plus, what do I have to lose by making such a guarantee? Another game? Psssh.

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Pirates and Braves. Almost 7 Hours. 19 Innings. And An Ending That Only A Blind Man Could Love

I was all set to go to bed pissed off.

I wasn’t planning on staying up for the end of tonight’s Pirates-Braves game, a game that obviously called out for me to say something about it. That’s because I got up at 4:45 a.m. today for no apparent reason and spent all day writing fantasy football news updates. It was a crazy day in the NFL, but it caused me to miss an equally amazing day in baseball. And I didn’t like it one bit.

I was about to go to bed and wake up extra early tomorrow to voice my displeasure, tongue in cheek, about how the lack of an NFL lockout has ruined baseball for me. And I still might — again, there were a lot of great games tonight.

But Pirates versus Braves. I couldn’t sleep on this one. The good stuff that everyone will be talking about ad nauseam is below. But where to start?

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Is Homer Simpson Coaching The Baltimore Ravens?

July 25, 2011 2 comments

We’re about 11 hours into this brave new world where the NFL isn’t all about lawyers and lawsuits and mediators and collective bargaining. It’s a good time.

We’re about 63 hours from when teams can start officially cutting players. But that’s apparently not stopping the Baltimore Ravens from getting to “the easiest part of any coach’s job” a little early.

Kelly Gregg? You’re cut.

Willis McGahee? Cut.

Todd Heap? Cut.

Derrick Mason? I like your hustle.

That’s why it was so hard to cut you.

Namath? You stay.

And in a nice story if it is true — Herzlich? You’re good. (Update: He ended up signing with the New York Giants.)

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Yes, Virginia, There Is An NFL Season

I’m sure you have been exposed today to articles that describe the recently extinct NFL lockout in hyperbolic terms, as if the media just survived the Black Death. I got an e-mail today with a story about the lockout from a former college professor of mine. The first line is: “Today was Day 129 of America Held Hostage.”

Yeah, what had become of the NFL over the past four-plus months sucked. I can’t put it more eloquently. It sucked, it bit, it blew.

But all I have is three words for ya: Are you ready?

No, I don’t mean that in the honky-tonk Hank Williams style. More like D-Generation X:

Are you rrrrrrrrrrrrready?!

Are you ready for actually meaningful fantasy football drafts?

Are you ready for the most hyperactive week in NFL history?

Are you ready to no longer care that Susan Nelson, David Doty, Jeff Pash, Bob Batterman, Jeff Kessler and Arthur Boylan actually exist?

Are you ready for an alarming amount of muscle pulls, strains, tweaks and sprains after some of the world’s greatest athletes aren’t even close to being in condition to do their job, which will really matter 48 days from now?

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Running Off At The Electronic Mouth, No. XXI

I swear that I will not mention anything to do with the NFL lockout by name in this random-issues post.

Except for right there. But from now on …

  • Washington Nationals fans have hated on Jayson Werth all season for the lack of return he has provided their team after it gave him $126 million this past offseason. Werth has six hits in his last 15 at-bats, and Nationals fans probably hate him even more because he’s screwing with their beer prices.

So, if you’re at Duffy’s this afternoon and watching Werth and the Nats play the Dodgers, don’t be too quick to order another round of Bud or PBR; wait a few minutes and see if the price will go down from $2.19 to $2.18 as Werth grounds out to third. Maybe some other people in the D.C. area will wrap up business early in order to take advantage of this really cool promotion.

Now, all Chicago needs to do to up those disappointing beer sales is implement an Adam Dunn happy hour. That would be a crazy steal, even if we’re dealing with those same few crappy beers.

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