Home > Uncategorized > Armor All, Tony Stewart and Nick Fairley Bring You The Corniest Sports Commercial Of The Year

Armor All, Tony Stewart and Nick Fairley Bring You The Corniest Sports Commercial Of The Year

I don’t want to get all worked up on my birthday. Today, I’m relaxing, watching some afternoon baseball. I might go see a movie tonight and not even an exciting movie — I’m thinking about going to see Larry Crowne. I’ve seen at least four critics use the word “genial” to describe it. Sounds perfect for today.

So, I was going to write a post about baseball’s All-Star snubs and how it’s absolutely insane that Paul Konerko and Andrew McCutchen aren’t a part of the current lineups — McCutchen is not even a part of the Final Vote!! — while the undeserving such as Konerko’s teammate Carlos Quentin and Michael Cuddyer get to go.

But that type of stuff happens every year in every sport’s All-Star game, and it’s not as much of an egregious oversight as last year’s inclusion of Omar Infante, so I’ll let it be.

Instead, let’s all laugh a little bit. Laugh and cringe.

Yikes, indeed.

I understand that sometimes athletes are forced to join together in the name of capitalism, but pairing Tony Stewart and college defensive star and future pro football great (oh gee golly!) Nick Fairley in a commercial should make everyone feel awkward. After seeing that, all I want to do is take a bath to wash the stink of those 150 seconds off of me.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but shouldn’t one of the requisites to starring in a commercial be having the ability to speak? For that, Fairley was a choice somewhere between awful and god-awful. “You do that crazy fence-climbing celebration; I was hoping you had eeh eualy eprfeshive ieaa ff me.”

I’d like to meet the director who saw that and said, “Oh yeah, that’s definitely gonna help us sell some tire cleaner!” Seriously, just ask him to do it again, slow down and be clearer. Or maybe everyone was really eager to break for lunch.

I’m going to guess that Stewart got $25,000 electronically deposited into his bank account as soon as used one certain word.

“For me, putting a final touch of SHINE on my victory is like putting a final touch of SHINE on my car.”

Cha-ching!!! By the way, I have it on good authority that Stewart’s favorite actor is Geoffrey Rush. And the man loves himself some Collective Soul.

And that dance from Brian Wilson’s doppelganger went on way too long. But you could say the same thing about the entire spot. I’m sure Pete Rose and Joe Morgan are smiling somewhere.

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