Home > Uncategorized > Running Off At The Electronic Mouth, No. XXI

Running Off At The Electronic Mouth, No. XXI

I swear that I will not mention anything to do with the NFL lockout by name in this random-issues post.

Except for right there. But from now on …

  • Washington Nationals fans have hated on Jayson Werth all season for the lack of return he has provided their team after it gave him $126 million this past offseason. Werth has six hits in his last 15 at-bats, and Nationals fans probably hate him even more because he’s screwing with their beer prices.

So, if you’re at Duffy’s this afternoon and watching Werth and the Nats play the Dodgers, don’t be too quick to order another round of Bud or PBR; wait a few minutes and see if the price will go down from $2.19 to $2.18 as Werth grounds out to third. Maybe some other people in the D.C. area will wrap up business early in order to take advantage of this really cool promotion.

Now, all Chicago needs to do to up those disappointing beer sales is implement an Adam Dunn happy hour. That would be a crazy steal, even if we’re dealing with those same few crappy beers.

  • Most popular non-story of the week: Tiger Woods fires his caddie. Steve Williams was apparently blindsided and left feeling empty. I feel bad for him, although I’d say he’s done pretty well for himself as a caddie these past 13 years.

But the impact of this is … what? Definitely less than what’s being made of it. Now Tiger will have to ignore someone else’s advice? We’ve become so used to seeing Woods and Williams together on the course, but you would have no idea who was carrying the bag unless Tiger hadn’t become the most dominant golfer of a decade. Other than Phil Mickelson’s caddie — “Bones” Mcsomethingorother, right? — and Fluff Cowan, caddies are a nameless bunch who are only brought into the spotlight when their man wins. A lot.

And so Tiger moves on to take course and green knowledge from someone else. Pardon me if I believe that his knee or his swing or his psyche will play a much, much, much larger role in his future success.

  • Filed this past week: “Seventy-five former NFL players filed a lawsuit in Los Angeles Superior Court this week, alleging that the league has covered up the harmful effects of concussions since the 1920s.”

Something doesn’t fit.

I have no doubt there was a period of time up until very recently where the league covered up the consequences of concussions for the sake of money. But the timeline of this suit makes no sense. We couldn’t cure polio until the 1950s. It was in that same decade when a suggested relationship between tobacco smoking and cancer was just starting to be accepted. MRIs and CT scans weren’t widely used until the 1970s. So a claim from retired players that the league understood the brain and realized the effects of invisible injuries as far back as the 1920s seems extremely far-fetched.

  • Here’s something to do with actual football! From initial odds back in February to now, it’s clear that the country has absolutely fallen head over heels for the Detroit Lions. They are the darlings of the moment. Obviously, the potential Suh and Fairley on the same defensive line to go with Calvin Johnson, Jahvid Best and a healthy Matthew Stafford has the public smitten.

But let’s pull back on the reins. The offensive line still isn’t very good and will probably have Stafford running for his life yet again. The defense’s back seven is weak, especially in the secondary. Best and Stafford have to overcome justified injury-prone tags. Plus, they are in the same division with the reigning Super Bowl champs and a Bears team that is much more complete. Six-to-one odds, same as those Bears, the Giants, Cowboys, Falcons and Saints, to win the NFC? It borders on delusional.

  • “Hey, honey! Look! I just spent a measly few thousand dollars on this ball that Derek Jeter hit in the same at-bat that he recorded his 3,000th hit!

“No. No, it’s not THAT ball. But … but it’s a foul ball that Jeter hit a few pitches before his 3,000th hit. How awesome is that, right??

I’m not sleeping on the damn couch again!”

  • Speaking of foul balls, if there’s one thing we learned this week, it’s that kids who complain and whine and mope and pout always get what they want.

OK, that first link was very cute. I don’t think I would have been as unselfish if I was 13 and just got a ball, even if it wasn’t my first. But I’ll take an autographed Justin Upton bat over a run-of-the-mill foul ball any day.

To the Giants’ kid: Stop crying, you sniveling ass. Stop your nonsense. I have been to a few hundred MLB games in my life and I have never caught a foul ball. I can’t really remember a close call. So be it. I have to put some blame on the Giants for, while making the kid happy, also reinforcing an awful way of thinking. Yes, I’m serious.

  • I haven’t noticed it firsthand because I live in Southern California — don’t hate me ’cause I’m beautiful — but apparently it’s been a wee bit hot out there this week.

Yikes.

  • I loved hearing everyone on ESPN’s airwaves, specifically Urban Meyer and Keyshawn Johnson, playing down Marc Tyler’s drunk comments to TMZ. A college kid getting wasted out at the club and saying some stupid shit isn’t breaking news. Also, you’ve just got to laugh at Tyler’s own inebriated reasoning for why his comments weren’t out of line: “WE AT A CLUB!”

But let’s not forget what was actually said. And given that, shouldn’t the NCAA be at least somewhat concerned? I mean, alcohol has the reputation as our most common truth serum. Yeah, as Harvey Levin said, Tyler may have just been “drunk and joking.” But let’s just make sure of that first, compliance committee. USC has a history of running backs getting special benefits.

Of course, it’s not like anything that Tyler said was especially shocking. Football stars at big-name college get money under the table and have sex with hot girls? Oh, my heavens! What has become of us as a people?!?!?!

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